Hot Clothes Claustrophobia

Today is more suited for bathing suits and water parks than it is for three-piece suits and water coolers. It's freakin' hot in the city that scalds you back.

As I was walking to work today in my standard uniform -- black t-shirt and jeans -- I looked at the very, very hot people walking by me. Now, I'm not talking about the "very, very hot" type that you see in Cannes or on Ipanema Beach in Rio, I'm talking about sweaty hot. The kind that gives me "hot clothes claustrophobia." Here are some examples:

The Old Lady in Polyester. There was an old lady in a wheelchair being loaded down from a SEPTA van. She and her attending friend were dressed in ankle-length skirts, polyester blouses, camisoles, Playtex 18-hour bras (no, I wasn't looking), all kinds of jewelry, and their hair was done up in an upsweep of recently-rinsed cinnamon. Oh, and panty hose, of course. I mean, the idea of that kind of getup just makes me hot - the temperature kind -- being near it. That kind of clothing could result in spontaneous human combustion today.

The Baller in XXXL. This guy was walking along with his wife and baby, and he was sweating up a storm. He was wearing a wool throwback baseball cap, a white t-shirt that came down to his knees and could be used as a spinnaker in America's Cup races, a pair of jeans that had enough fabric to double as a bus wrap, and a pair of unlaced high-tops. Hot, I tell you, hot. And to prove it, he was carrying a full-sized white bath towel, which he kept using to wipe his face. And it's just morning. He'd better stay out of the midday sun.

The Office Lady in Snuggies. Man, those clothes were tight. Tight blouse fitted just so. Black skirt that had to have been greased before it could be slipped on. A huge belt around the whole thing. Stilettos. And an umbrella. Now normally I'd just say that was "hot" and leave it at that. But snug clothes today? No way. There's nothing worse than a sweaty waistband. And the thought of clingy clothes induces my hot clothes claustrophobia.

I have to be out a lot today (dentist appointment). I put on an double dose of Axe antiperspirant. I'm going to walk slowly. And I'll be looking at all those poor suckers who are sweltering while I think of "hot clothes claustrophobia."