Charlie Saved My Life Today: Or, How I Ended Up Ass Over Tea Kettle on Spruce Street at 8:30 AM

That's not me. But it might as well be. One half of me is bruised and bloodied. The other half is just sore.

Things Happen in an Instant
The day started out with such promise. The weatherman said it would be 66 degrees today in Philadelphia. The winds were light. I just got a new bicycle helmet yesterday and Charlie and I were going to head to Manayunk on our bicycles. But flotsam and jetsam were between me and Spruce Street.

There's very little evidence that we had the worst ice storm in Philadelphia history last Friday. There's a little pile of dirty snow here and there, mostly in the shadows and alleyways. But there's ample evidence of the effluvial flow of a winter's worth of dirt and grit and composted leaves. That black and gritty goo is in the gutters of Spruce Street, and nearly every other street in the city. That shit is slippery.

Rolling Into The Ooze
I mounted up and snapped my cleat into my left LOOK pedal. I was locked in. Then I scooted my bike between parked cars on Spruce Street, waited until the traffic generally cleared -- although it's a very busy street in the morning -- jumped in the saddle, peddled 1.5 revolutions, and realized that gravity and slime are not my friends.

The acceleration due to gravity is 9.8m/sec/sec. It felt more like 10. One second I was clipped into both my pedals and the next second I was ass over tea kettle in the middle of Spruce Street. Now, the sight of my round ass greased on one side with black ooze and grit is funny -- hell, I could have been an instant YouTube star if anyone would have had a camera. (DUMBASS HITS THE PAVEMENT - HILARITY ENSUES AS HE TRIES TO UNCLIP FROM HIS BIKE AND GET OFF HIS MUDDY BACK). But it wasn't all that funny at that moment.

Charlie Jumps in Front of Moving Cars and Saves My Pathetic Ass
Friggin' cars were zooming my direction, and I was flat on the ground kicking away from my bike, twitching my legs like a dead daddy long legs. And I would have been just a dead daddy if Charlie hadn't jumped in front of the cars barreling down the road. He blocked for me while I finally got unclipped, righted myself, and let the pain wash in with the mortification. Hell, I had an audience across the street at Rittenhouse Market. Because although Spruce Street is busy at that time, the grocery store isn't. So the majority of the crew over there saw me do my ass plant in the street.

Picking Gravel Out of My Hand
I am one walking bruise. I got a lot of gravel ground into the heel of my hand (which Sarah, with all kinds of compassion and certain hint of "Gee, this is kind of fun to see Frankie suck wind,"plucked out of my hand with the world's dullest but most painful tweezers). I have a gnarly strawberry on my kneecap. I have a lump on my hip and a monkey bump on my wrist. If my wrist doesn't get better by tomorrow I'm going to have it x-rayed, because I don't think that lump is supposed to be there like that...it doesn't match the other side and simply hurts like hell.

Oh, my tire popped, too. So, in addition to all the cuts and bruises, plus a bruised ego, my dang front tire went flat. Charlie, who just seconds earlier had thrown himself in front of me still wanted to ride. "We can use my pump at home," he said. So, we walked down there and pumped up my tire.

I Want to Get This on Film
I was a little timid on the first part of the ride. There was a lot of salt crystals on the bike path, and when we rounded the Water Works, Charlie said, "You can take the lead." I said, "Why, I'm not going that fast." And he said, "Well, I want to see when you fall. I'm going to make a movie this time!"

Well, I didn't fall anymore, but I was a little unstable. We rode to Manayunk. Had a coffee at La Colombe. Went a little ways up the Manayunk Wall. Fixed another flat that I had. And rolled back to the office.

I'm Funny? I'm Funny? What, I Amuse You? What Do You Mean I'm Funny?
When I was pulling up to our office stairs, a guy from Rittenhouse Market was walking up Spruce Street on our side. He said, "Are you alright?" I didn't know what he meant for a second. Sure, I was a little sweaty, but we'd been riding for an hour and a half. "We saw you fall over there," he said. "Everyone was standing there and my manager yelled 'Hey, he just fell off his bike in the street!'" Oh, great, I thought. It's not enough to be a cut up klutz, now I had an audience.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "A little scraped and bruised. I'd just as soon not do that again."

I'm Going to Stay Vertical for a While
Staying upright is my plan for the rest of the season. Either that, or I'm going to buy a tricycle. Just my luck, though, I'll do an Artie Johnson on it just for everyone's amusement. But Charlie will be there to pick me. up.

It pays to have friends who will jump in front of moving traffic for you.